DEACON, IL – Local residents of this tight-knit community in central Illinois were shocked to find out that area man Larry Bearden – described by a neighbor as a person “who did the best with what he was given” – had turned into a flesh-eating zombie intent on devouring the brains and internal organs of fellow townspeople.
Bearden, a 32-year-old stocker at local grocery store Bennie’s Bowl of Plenty, spent most of his time at work quoting “The Big Lebowski” and humming Maroon 5’s 2010 smash hit “Misery” which he just recently discovered, a co-worker told media sources.
“Dude was definitely different,” said the co-worker, who asked to remain anonymous due to concerns of retaliation by Bearden’s zombie brethren. “He was always pulling practical jokes. But when his flesh started falling off and he started gnawing on my buddy’s head, I was like ‘brah, you gotta be part of the zombie apocalypse or else you have a really weird sense of humor.’”
As many co-workers escaped the building, an enraged Bearden picked up an upholstered Norix Forté™ Guest Armless Chair from the lunch room and threw it through the glass of the vending machine – sending potato chips, candy bars and other snacks with high levels of saturated fat flying through the air. Then, according to another co-worker, Bearden stopped.
“For a moment I thought I saw a glimpse of hope – and maybe love – in his eyes, but that was totally short-lived,” said the co-worker, who also wished to remain anonymous because of pending legal issues related to the illegal downloading and selling of David Lee Roth-era Van Halen albums. “He picked up that chair again and again and was smashing everything in the room with it. He even started beating that chair with a side of ribs and other meat products from the freezer but he just couldn’t break that chair. I guess he didn’t realize Forté™ is made of rotationally molded, specially formulated, fire-retardant, high-impact polyethylene with ultraviolet light stabilizers. No way he was going to break that.”
At a press conference, Norix Product Manager Brad Karl told media sources that although he is dismayed by the pending doom that faces humanity, he is happy that the Norix product held up well against a zombie attack.
“It’s true that we do flammability tests, chemical tests, stress tests and other highly scientific durability tests,” he said. “But I have been predicting the zombie apocalypse ever since reading the 2009 book ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies’ and so for the past few years we have been dressing warehouse guys up as zombies and they have been pounding away at the furniture with baseball bats and spilling fake blood all over it. So it doesn’t really surprise me that our products will probably – and sadly – outlast mankind as we know it.”
According to eyewitness accounts, Bearden fled Bennie’s and lurched to a nearby police station where many locals took refuge. As Bearden entered the facility, a group of residents jumped up from several rows of Norix Furniture’s Gibraltar™ Beam Seating and ran to seek shelter in empty jail cells. An angered Bearden stood on top of the highly durable seating and jumped up and down multiple times before he attempted to lift the intensive-use furniture option from the floor with no luck.
“What he probably didn’t know, or couldn’t comprehend due to the zombiefication of his brain, is that the frames on those chairs are made of 14-gauge powder coated tube steel and that we chose to have it factory installed and mounted to the floor. We’ve had some tough characters in here, but never the walking dead and I think the furniture held up very well against that evil wretch,” said Police Chief Sandra Dotson, infuriated. “If only mankind was made of the stuff the seating was, maybe our children would have a chance at a better tomorrow. Instead, they will spend an eternity fighting off worm-infested, slack-jaw mouthbreathers.”
Obviously distracted and bewildered by his inability to destroy the durable furniture products, Bearden reportedly exited the police station, ate the brains of local man Kevin Sheraton in the parking lot before entering Fire Station #157, looking for more furniture.
“Despite the fact that all hope is lost and we have no idea what will happen in an hour or even a minute from now, we got a big kick out of watching him use our fire hoses – with extra heavy nozzles – to beat on our Norix Comfort Shield Mattresses and Titan Beds,” said volunteer firefighter Tony Gaddis, who claims he often is mistaken for Brad Pitt’s “WWZ” character Gerry Lane, although this reporter believes he looks more like a mix of Ron Perlman from “Sons of Anarchy” and former SNL star Will Ferrell.
“We were surprised that he walked right past us and showed no interest in turning us into flesh eating boogie men for all eternity. He went straight for the furniture. We even started placing bets on whether he could bust up the Titan frame. Of course I bet that he couldn’t due to the fact that Titan products are the ideal choice to replace wood furniture and are made of all steel construction that delivers maximum strength and durability,” continued Gaddis.
At press time it appeared Bearden had given up and was seen entering a local hospital where he sought medical attention for exhaustion due to the hours of pounding on Norix Furniture product solutions that are engineered to endure. According to sources at the healthcare facility, Bearden sat down at a Madera leg-style table, bleeding and shedding flesh all over the furniture product which, according to cleaning services coordinator Jack Templeton, “wasn’t a problem since the product’s edge is radiused for safety and pressure fused to the top, rendering it permanently non-removable and highly sanitary.”
Happy Halloween from Norix Furniture! And watch out for the Zombie Apocalypse!
Dustin Coleman is a brand journalist for Norix Furniture and a contributor to the Safe Environments blog.